---------

Not so long ago,

in a Universe

not so far away,

there was a TV show,

which chronicled

the adventures of

the biggest bunch of

whacked out

space bums

ever to set foot in an

alternative dimension.

Its name was

RED DWARF

[There are various clips inserted from the BBC version of Terrorform.]

NOW

COMING SOON TO

A REALITY

NEAR YOU

REDWARF

USA

[LISTER and RIMMER sitting in their quarters, watching cartoons.]

LISTER: Rimmer. You ever see the Flintstone's?

RIMMER: Sure.

LISTER: You think Willma's sexy?

RIMMER: Willma Flintstone?

LISTER: Maybe I've been in deep space to long, but every time I see her, she drives me crazy.

RIMMER: How do you feel about Betty Rubble?

LISTER: Betty? Well, I tell ya. I would go with Betty, but I would be thinkin' of Willma.

RIMMER: Do you have any conception of how crazy you sound?

LISTER: You're right. It's nuts. She'll never leave Fred. I know it.

And so the adventure begins...

[Static, then the view looking through a camcorder looking at Lister, with the words Red Dwarf Black Box written on the top and the word Recording and a red dot on the bottom.]

LISTER: Black box update. Well, for reasons that are to stupid to go into, most of the crew was wiped out, and we wound up a drift three million years in deep space. Which is real nice. My name is Dave Lister. I used to be a chicken soup repairman. Now I'm acting captain. Uh, I know I don't look like much of captain, but when I tried on the form hugging body suit, I looked like a giant half-squeezed tube of tomato paste. I almost barfed. Is this thing on? Hello. Uh, let's see. Our crew number's five. Besides me there's, oow... Arnold Rimmer. He's dead! We had to bring him back as a hologram.

[Flashback to original pilot. LISTER as a control panel and RIMMER appears in a brilliant flash of light in the center of the room.]

[Flashes back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Actually he's the same sad weasly maggot he always was, only now he's only a projection, which means he can't touch anything except himself. So basically his sex life is unchanged.

[Back to the flashback in the control room.]

RIMMER: I can't believe it. I'm dead.

LISTER: What's it feel like?

RIMMER: Death? It's like an Amnish bachelor party.

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Then there's Holly, our super intelligent onboard computer.

[Flashback to original pilot, in a control room.]

LISTER: How could this happen, Holly?

HOLLY: One of the drive plates in the engine room was defective. (happily) It broke apart and killed everyone!

LISTER: How long have I been in stasis, Holly?

HOLLY: Well, I couldn't let you out until the radiation died down to a safe level. Really, you're gonna laugh...

LISTER: (impatient) How long?

HOLLY: Just under three million years.

LISTER: Thr--? (contemplates) My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!

[Sparks shoot out from underneath HOLLY's monitor.]

LISTER: You OK?

HOLLY: Of course I'm not OK! I'm now 2.9 million years over my rated life span! My memory's shot, all my circuits are breaking down...

[A very large flash comes from beneath her monitor. She throws her head back.]

HOLLY: (in a deeper voice) Actually, that one felt kind of good.

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: And then there's Kryten, a 4000 series service mechinoid, programmed to obey any order no matter how stupid.

[Flashback to episode Terrorform where BBC version of Lister, Rimmer and the Cat are in clear view.]

KRYTEN: There's an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly appropriate here.

[The others, unnoticed by KRYTEN, sneak up the stairs to leave.]

KRYTEN: In binary language it goes something like this: 001100111011000111100, which roughly translated means, "Don't stand around jabbering when you're in mortal danger."

[He looks around, realizes that he needs to follow his own advice, and makes off after them.]

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: And then there's the Cat. You know the way that human beings evolved from apes, well she evolved from the common alley cat. You got nine lives, so she's not scared of anything, and uh, she's got some pretty weird ideas about relationships.

[Flashback to the CAT and LISTER walking down a corridor.]

LISTER: Hey! Would you slow down. It's okay for you. You have night vision.

CAT: Are you scared, humy?

LISTER: Scared? Rnning around this ship somewhere there is an armor plated genetic mutant who wants to impregnate all of us with its demon seed. Yah, I got butterflies.

CAT: What's the worst that could happen? He'll only kill you. So what? You die, you feel a little embarrassed, you get up, you start again.

LISTER: You got to understand something. I'm not like you. I don't have nine lives.

CAT: Okay. You stay here and suck your thumb, and I'll go and rip off its head, spit down its throat, and turn its lower intestines into ballon animals.

LISTER: You're not going out there alone, okay.

CAT: Listen humy. I do not need any survival tipsfrom a man with less backbone than a vegitable burrito. I've been taking care of myself since I was four. I've scavanged for food, I've lived on my wits, I survived.

LISTER: Wait a minute. You've lived alone since you were four? Don't you ever get lonely?

CAT: I'm a cat. I don't need anyone.

LISTER: Ohh.

CAT: You humans. You're so fixated on relationships. You have sex a couple of times with the same person and you feel you have to stay with them until... their teeth drop out.

LISTER: So you're just... You're never going to get involved with anybody, is that it?

CAT: Well, who knows? Maybe someday I'll find thee eight or nine guys who are right for me then my rambling days are over.

LISTER: Eight or nine?

CAT: That is something else I will never understand. How does a human women get by with just one man a night. One man! I mean that is not enough to get your sweat pores open.

[Back to Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Hey, we may not be the most efficiant crew in the space corp's ever seen, let me tell you something, we are going to get this rust bucket back to Earth and when we do...

RIMMER: What are you doing?

LISTER: I'm recording a distress call to send off into space.

RIMMER: Well I don't think you're recording. Look the red light's on.

LISTER: No, no, no. Red means record.

RIMMER: Nuh uh. Green means record.

LISTER: Are you sure, because I don't wanna mess this up. It's the last message capsule we have.

RIMMER: Will you trust me and press the green button and say your message over again.

LISTER: Alright.

[LISTER leans up and presses the green button and the screen goes blank. Then static and the camera turns on again.]

LISTER: Hey that was really great. Now they know exactly where to find us.

RIMMER: Yep. Now they have all the information they need. Launch the distress call.

LISTER: You really know what you're doing, don't ya? I used to think you were a really big jerk too.