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RD USA

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  • First Pilot Script
  • Second Pilot Script
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Dave Lister:

Craig Bierko

Arnold Rimmer (1st Pilot):

Christopher Eigeman

Arnold Rimmer (2nd Pilot):

Anthony Fuscle

The Cat (First Pilot):

Hinton Battle

The Cat (2nd Pilot):

Terry Farrell

Kryten:

Robert Llewellyn

Holly:

Jane Leeves

Christine Kochanski:

Elizabeth Morehead

Captain Tau:

Lorraine Toussaint

1st Officer Munson:

Michael Heintzman

RED DWARF USA, "First Pilot episode"

---------

THE STORY SO FAR...

BY THE LATTER HALF

OF THE TWENTY-SECOND

CENTURY, HUGE SPACE

CRUISERS POWERED BY

HYDROGEN RAM-JET

ENGINES HAD COLONIZED

THE OUTER FRINGES OF

OUR SOLOR SYSTEM.

HUMAN KIND WAS

POISED TO EXPLORE

THE DARK MYSTERIES

OF DEEP SPACE.

WE WISH WE COULD

HAVE TOLD YOU

STORIES ABOUT THESE

BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN,

BUT WE COULDN'T

AFFORD IT. INSTEAD,

WHAT YOU'RE GETTING

IS THIS.

THIS IS THE STORY OF

A BEAT-UP OLD

MINING SHIP WHICH

AMBLES BETWEEN EARTH

AND THE MOONS OF

SATURN, TRANSPORTING

RAW MATERIALS WHICH

ARE BADLY NEEDED BY

SOMEONE.

IS IT JUST ME, OR

DOES THIS SOUND

REALLY TEDIUS? NO

ONE'S GOING TO LIKE

THIS. A SHOW ABOUT

PEOPLE WHO MOVE

ROCKS FROM PLANET TO

PLANET?

INTERGALACTIC ROCK

MOVERS? WHO ARE WE

KIDDING?

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT

TO BE A WRITER. DO

YOU REALIZE HOW HARD

IT IS TO TYPE THIS

FAST? MY FINGERS

ARE BLEEDING.

UH OH. LOOKS LIKE

WE'RE SLOWING BACK

DOWN. I'D BETTER

START MAKING SENSE

AGAIN, SO ALL THE

CHEAPOS WHO DON'T

HAVE A VCR WITH

FREEZE-FRAME WILL

THINK THEY REALLY

MISSED OUT ON

SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

AHEM...

... WHICH YOU REALLY

NEED TO KNOW TO

UNDERSTAND THIS

STORY.

AND NOW, THE SAGA

CONTINUES ...

[Main title sequence -- a montage of bits from the BBC show interspersed with retakes of any bits which showed the actors' faces.]

[Main title sequence in this version is identical to the BBC series 1 & 2 sequence.]

RED DWARF

Starring

CRAIG BIERKO

CHRIS EIGEMAN

JANE LEEVES

HINTON BATTLE

ROBERT LLEWELLYN

Created by

ROB GRANT

&

DOUG NAYLOR

Developed by

LINWOOD BOOMER

Creative Consultants

ROB GRANT

&

DOUG NAYLOR

[Exterior shot of the ship. In the finished version, it's just the shot with the ship's name, like shortly into the first two series' main title sequence. In the rough cut, it's a shot from much higher up, giving a view of just about the whole ship. The shot is not one that ever was used in the BBC series.]

"RED DWARF"

CLASS 5 MINER/FREIGHTER

CARGO CAPACITY: 47 CUBIC MILES

[A female voice with a mild British tinge speaks.]

Holly: We'd like to welcome all our new recruits aboard the Jupiter Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf.

Holly: The Red Dwarf is equipped with every possible convenience.

From shopping malls...

[A picture of a shopping mall appears. Four shop signs are seen. They include `DROIDS R US', `SPUD KING', `????? `N' DEAD', and `CARS O' ROD'. {Any help on that one, folks?}]

Producer

TODD STEVENS

Holly: ...to bowling alleys...

[A picture of a gigantic bowling alley with just one person bowling.]

Holly: It even has its very own Zero-Gravity Football stadium.

[A picture of a large football stadium (American Football, of course, just like the BBC show's version of ZGF is).]

Written by

LINWOOD BOOMER

[A picture of a monitor. A female face gains resolution and comes into focus. She has put-up brown hair. She speaks.]

Holly: My name is Holly. I am the ship's computer. I have an operating

IQ of six thousand -- the same IQ as six thousand PE teachers.

[A shot from farther away shows that the monitor displaying the face is one of many in a room busy with people at their stations or bustling about.]

Directed by

JEFF MELMAN

[A man walks in. He appears to have a small silver sphere stuck to his forehead.]

Holly: This is First Officer Munson.

[Munson grins at the camera as he gestures in greeting.]

Holly: He's dead.

Munson: (addressing camera) But it's not the career setback it used to be.

Holly: This Munson is a hologram.

[Munson demonstrates by sticking his arm through a console.]

Holly: He's exactly the same as when he was alive, except, since he's a projection, he can't touch anything except himself.

Munson: So, basically, my sex life is unchanged.

Holly: The Red Dwarf is equipped with every possible convenience. We wish all our recruits a warm welcome.

[A group of people with their luggage watches Holly on a monitor in a corridor.]

Holly: Please proceed now to your assigned zones.

[Everyone does so. An android carrying luggage and a spare head walks in behind them.]

Kryten: Oh, come along, Spare Head One -- don't worry. This could be a great adventure!

[In the finished version, Kryten enters a corridor while Holly speaks the line about proceeding to an assigned zone, and this happens:]

Kryten: Sector 16, oh. I must have made a wrong turn somewhere.

Head: You should have made a left at the last intersection, Kryten!

(rolls eyes in contempt)

Kryten: Be quiet, Spare Head One! I know what I'm doing. Boy, I hate back-seat drivers! (stomps off)

[Two men walk down another corridor. One is unshaven and sings as he marches along pushing an equipment trolley.]

Lister: "We are tough and we are mean, We clean chicken-soup machines!"

Rimmer: All right, can it, Lister.

Lister: (in a mocking, slightly British tone) Yes, sir, Mister Rimmer, sir!

[They turn into a room. As well as two other people going about their business, there are two robotic skutters. They have three fingers on their heads -- two on top, one below.]

Rimmer: Well, well, well, two skutters goofing off. As if there weren't a fun-sized candy bar crisis on Level 42!

Rimmer: Unbelievable. (He speaks to one of them.) OK, buddy, what's your number?

[The skutter lifts up the top of its head and looks at Rimmer with its two tiny cameras.]

Rimmer: Are you eyeballing me?

[The skutter nods. Lister is amused. Rimmer isn't.]

Rimmer: OK, that is it -- double charge! (reads) Service droid Three Zero One... (writes on his clipboard) ...dereliction of duty and dumb insubordination.

[The skutter lowers its top fingers and thrusts up its bottom finger as high as it can. Lister laughs.]

Rimmer: All right, buster, no oil for a month. See what a little rust does for your sense of humor. (Turns away to a corner of the room to service a machine whose sign reads `Drink SKUG!')

[The skutter sulks.]

{This scene bit was shot twice, so some slight difference in dialogue exists between the two versions. I will include everything important, but in some cases will choose one way a line was spoken over another. There's another case of a line moved about here too.}

Lister: (joining Rimmer) You really enjoyed that, didn't you.

Rimmer: That's a side issue.

Rimmer: The point is, I will not tolerate indiscipline. That is what makes me the leader that I am today.

Lister: Oh, come on, Rimmer. There are five thousand people on this ship. You're in charge of me and two animated shoeboxes.

Rimmer: Well, that will all change tomorrow when I take the astronavigation exam and become an officer.

Lister: (laughs) Come on -- you've failed the same exam eight year running. It's the same every time.

Lister: You go in there, you read the questions, you have a major anxiety attack, and you faint.

Rimmer: Well, if they'd just give me a glass of water and wipe the foam from my lips, I'd be fine.

[Kryten enters and approaches them.]

Kryten: Oh, excuse me, sirs, I'm looking for Captain Tau. I appear to be a little lost.

Lister: You're a robot, right?

Kryten: It shows?

Lister: Only to the trained eye.

Rimmer: My god, what kind of robot are you? You look like a gigantic novelty condom.

[A device in Rimmer's pocket makes an electronic tinkling noise. He looks down in astonishment.]

Rimmer: It's a five seven one. Oh, lord! They are completely out of weenies on the officer's mess! (leaves)

Lister: (to Kryten) This way.

[He leads Kryten toward a phone on a nearby wall.]

Kryten: I am eternally grateful for your overwhelming kindness, sir.

{Actually, the recording of that line is lifted from a later part in the

rough cut, to fill in space while their backs are to the camera.}

[Lister picks up the phone and punches a few buttons, then speaks into it.]

Lister: Yallo, transport! Yeah, can we get a buggy to Pick-up Point One Four Seven. Thank you. (hangs up the phone, then turns back to Kryten)

Kryten: I am eternally grateful for your overwhelming kindness, sir.

Lister: Relax. What's your name?

Kryten: Kryten. Well, my full name is Kryten 2XB 517P, although I don't really like the 2XB part; I think it's a rather jerky middle name.

Lister: (smiles and offers his hand) Dave Lister.

Kryten: (shakes Lister's hand) Well, er, ahem, Conversation Mode. So, Mr. Lister, sir, what brings you out into deep space?

Lister: Oh, that's a long story. I, uh, got into a drinking game. One minute I'm sitting in a bar in Detroit, next thing I know I'm waking up on a park bench on the fourth moon of Saturn wearing absolutely nothing but a traffic cone on my head. I've got no money, no papers... I had to sign on to this junkheap to kinda earn my wages back to Earth.

Kryten: Earth? You come from Earth? You know a guy called Harry Johnson?

Lister: (chuckles) No.

Kryten: Are you sure? A short guy with red hair -- he was from Earth.

[Lister looks down the hallway and sees a young woman approaching.]

Lister: Hey, Chris! (to Kryten) Here is the one reason I don't go totally and completely crazy. Isn't she beautiful?

Kryten: Well, to us mechanoids, all you humans look pretty much alike. To me, she looks just like you with lumps.

[The woman rounds the corner as though she doesn't notice Lister. He moves to remain alongside her. Kryten follows behind.]

Lister: Hey, Chris, where've you been all week? It's like you're, uh, you're avoiding me or something.

Kochanski: Uh, Dave, I don't think this is the time or the place to do this.

Kryten: Uh oh.

Lister: Do what?

Kryten: Split up with you.

Lister: Hey, Kryten, you wanna butt out for a minute here? (turns back to Kochanski) You're splitting up with me?

Kochanski: Look, you're a really nice guy...

Kryten: "Nice guy"! Ooh, now you're in trouble!

Lister: Kryten, you wanna offline, you know, shut down for a minute or something?

Kryten: Oh, I'm sorry; you want to be dumped in private. How insensitive of me. (he slumps over)

Lister: (puts his hand on Kochanski's shoulder and steps away from Kryten a bit) Is that the problem? My being a nice guy? Because, you know, uh, I could change, you know, hey, whatever...

Kochanski: No, >that's< the problem: "hey, you know, whatever." Everything with you is up in the air. You spend your whole life just drifting and avoiding responsibility. I can't be in a relationship like that.

Lister: Wait a minute, I think I know what kind of commitment you're talking about here: You want me to make you my official girlfriend. My god, Chris, you know something? I think I'm ready to take that leap.

Kochanski: Bye, Dave. Don't call. (leaves)

[Lister watches her leave, with his mouth wide open. Kryten lifts his head a bit to peek. Eventually Lister turns back to Kryten, who quickly returns to his `offline' state.]

[Exterior ship shot. Then, Lister is in his quarters with a fuzzy ball attached to his hand, which he bounces off his palm. There is a fire displayed on the monitor. Kryten enters.]

Kryten: Sir, I got my first free time, so I just thought I'd pop by to say "Awwwh."

Lister: (chuckles and stands) It's all right; I'm going to get her back. It's all part of the plan.

Kryten: Oh. What plan?

Lister: (takes something from his pocket and unfolds it) My plan: me and Christine, living on this farm with two pigs, a sheep and a cow. I love this picture. It's like everything that's good and pure is in this photograph.

Kryten: Where did you get it?

Lister: I swiped it.

[A noise from the monitor draws their attention.]

Holly: Message from the captain.

[Captain Tau appears on the monitor. She doesn't look too happy.]

Tau: Holly tells me she's detected an unregistered animal somewhere on the ship. All security personnel report to the command room immediately. This is a Code Red.

Kryten: (turns to Lister) What kind of cheese-brained imbecile would violate the quaratine procedures?

Lister: Come here a minute. (turns and picks up a small hidden device) Watch this.

[He stands by the bunks, which look identical, and activates the device. The top bunk's image ripples away to reveal a cluttered, unmade bunk.]

Lister: Shelled out two months' pay for this baby.

Kryten: Just to avoid making your bed. Quite a testament to your business acumen, sir.

[Lister has retrieved a box from the bunk, and sets it on the table.]

Lister: Come here, Frankie! (opens the box and removes a cat) Come on, Frankenstein!

Kryten: (shocked) Goodness! That's a cat!

Lister: Listen, I need to ask you a favor. You gotta hide him somewhere where Holly can't find him.

Kryten: Where did you get it?

Lister: Oh, I got him on shore leave on Titan.

Kryten: (grunts in disapproval)

Lister: Hey, I had to do it; they eat cats on Titan! (looks into the cat's eyes) I saw him through a restaurant window. He was sitting on a bed of lettuce under a heat lamp.

Kryten: I applaud your sensitivity, sir, but I really don't think you're being realistic.

Lister: What do you mean?

Kryten: This cat is quite clearly pregnant.

Lister: He is? I thought it was all the beer I'd been giving him.

[Lister walks down a hallway. Holly's voice echoes from sources unknown.]

Holly: All entrants for the engineering exam please go to the testing room now.

[Rimmer steps out of a crowd and confronts Lister.]

Rimmer: Oh, start warming up your lips, bucko. (pats himself on the behind) You're going to be kissing a lot of this from now on.

Lister: Good luck, Rimmer. I'll see you when you come to.

[They go their separate ways, each muttering "Smeg head."]

[Lister enters the command room, where Captain Tau and First Officer Munson are waiting. Tau puts down her cup of coffee.]

Lister: Captain, you sent for me?

Tau: Lister. Where's the cat?

Lister: Cat? There's a cat somewhere?

Tau: (moving to another console) Play the tape, please, Holly.

Lister: Tape?

Tau: Security window of last night's surveillance tapes of you and your room.

Holly: In the interests of good taste, I'll skip the part between one and two a.m.

[A red-glow picture appears on the monitor. In it, Lister awakens in the top bunk and waves his arm below to be sure that Rimmer, who is on his back with arms rigidly to his sides, is asleep. He then hops out of bed. On the monitor, Lister takes the cat from his bed, moves across the room, and hands it to Kryten, who is waiting in the doorway. The frame freezes there.]

Lister: (grinning) Kinda circumstantial, wouldn't you think? (gets serious) OK, uh, suppose someone did have a cat... what would happen if I gave it to you?

Tau: I'd have it cut up, and run tests on it.

Lister: Well, with all due respect, Captain, what's in it for the cat?

[Two guards escort Kryten into the room.]

Tau: You understand Kryten's programming. You know when I ask him he'll tell me. I'm giving you a chance!

[Kryten looks remarkably guilty. Lister remains silent.]

Tau: Have it your way. Kryten, where's the cat?

Kryten: Uh, please, Captain, I... I... I...

Tau: Kryten, it's an order. Where's the cat?

Kryten: (smoke begins pouring from him) I... (burbles) I... (burbles) (this continues, and gets worse)

Tau: Service mechanoid, this is Captain Louise Tau. This is a direct order; tell me where the cat is.

[Kryten's smoke thickens and he is shaking violently.]

Lister: Stop it! He's hurting himself!

Tau: Emergency override sequence Alpha Four Alpha Nine: Where's the damn cat!

[Kryten's shoulder pieces start to come off, then he explodes. His eyes fall into Tau's coffee mug.]

Munson: You know, in certain countries, that's considered a delicacy.

Tau: (to the guards) Get him repaired.

[The guards drag Kryten away.]

Lister: Is he going to be all right?

Tau: He's not the one you should be worried about. If you turn over that cat right now, I'll let you off with a reprimand. If you don't, I'm going to put you in suspended animation for the rest of this trip and you'll face criminal charges when you get back to Earth. Choose.

[Lister shifts uncomfortably, but remains silent.]

[After an external ship shot...]

[The view changes to Munson escorting Lister down a corridor.]

Lister: Does this stasis thing hurt?

Munson: Oh, it's just a kind of suspended animation. See, like X-rays can't penetrate lead, time can't penetrate a stasis field. To you, time won't exist. To us, you'll exist, but as a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero. (spoken as though he had to think about the number)

Lister: So it >will< hurt.

Munson: Mmm.

Lister: Ah.

[Two orderlies enter, carrying a straitjacketed Rimmer on a stretcher.]

Lister: Rimmer? What happened?

Rimmer: I think I did really well this time!

[The orderlies continue their transport of Rimmer.]

Lister: Let's get this overwith.

[Kochanski enters.]

Kochanski: Dave?

Lister: Chris!

Kochanski: Uh, listen... I heard what you did. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.

[They look at each other uncomfortably, then begin to turn away.]

Lister: Uh, Chris...

Kochanski: What?

Lister: See you in six months.

[Again, they look at each other, silent. Then Lister heads back toward the stasis chamber and walks in. The door closes as Kochanski goes to the window and looks in at him. She mouths the words "I love you" to him.]

Lister: (thinks) "I lick you"? (realizes) Holy smeg! "I love you"! Hey! (pounds on the door) Let me out of here! I'll talk!

[The stasis field engages and Lister stops moving suddenly. Munson checks his watch.]

[Exterior ship view.]

THREE MILLION YEARS LATER....

[Back at the stasis chamber.]

[The field shuts down, and Lister starts pounding on the door again just before the door opens.]

Lister: (runs out) I'll talk! I'll talk! (stops running, noticing no one in the room) Christine! (checks down a side corridor) Chris! (his voice echoes in the silence of the darkened walkway, then he returns to in front of the stasis chamber) Munson? (confusedly concerned) Hello...

[A monitor behind him shows static until Holly's face appears, but with her hair let down. She speaks unusually happily and wears a ditzy grin.]

Holly: Hi, Dave! I think you'd better come up to the command bridge.

Lister: (walks down the side corridor) Holly, where is everyone?

Holly: There was an accident, Dave -- a radiation leak. The entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of Cadmium II.

Lister: Is everyone OK?

Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave -- that's what `lethal' means!

[Lister enters the bridge. It is littered with piles of white powder on the floor and in the chairs.]

Lister: (dumbfounded) What are you talking about, Holly? (looks around, licks his fingers and proceeds to taste one of the piles of powder) What is all this white stuff?

Holly: That particular pile is Catering Officer Murphy.

[Lister desperately tries to spit out Murphy.]

Lister: How could this happen, Holly?

Holly: One of the drive plates in the engine room was defective. (happily) It broke apart and killed everyone!

Lister: Christine... Oh, no... This wasn't the plan. (retrieves the picture from his pocket) The farm was the plan -- Christine Kochanski in a white dress living on the farm with me. I planned it.

Holly: I'm afraid she can't be part of your plan anymore. Well, I mean, unless it freezes up and you need something to grit the walkway.

Lister: Holly!

Holly: I'm sorry. I've just been on my own so long I've lost some of my people skills.

Lister: How long have I been in stasis, Holly?

Holly: Well, I couldn't let you out until the radiation died down to a safe level. Really, you're gonna laugh...

Lister: (impatient) How long?

Holly: Just under three million years.

Lister: Thr--? (contemplates) My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!

[Sparks shoot out from underneath Holly's monitor.]

Lister: You OK?

Holly: Of course I'm not OK! I'm now 2.9 million years over my rated life span! My memory's shot, all my circuits are breaking down...

[A very large flash comes from beneath her monitor. She throws her head back.]

Holly: (in a deeper voice) Actually, that one felt kind of good.

Lister: (stands, starting to panic) I'm going to nuts here all by myself!

Holly: Not necessarily. See that little round thing on the floor?

Lister: (picks it up) What, this?

[The device floats away from him and begins to dazzle.]

Holly: It's a holographic projection device, and one personality chip was left intact. And, Dave, it's someone you like.

Lister: Christine! (activates something on the central console)

[A human form solves around the device.]

Lister: Rimmer. It's Rimmer.

Holly: It is?

[Rimmer opens his eyes, confused. His forehead now has a silver sphere.]

Holly: Oh god, you're right. I thought it was Pete the doughnut man.

Lister: Why wasn't I fried in my own blood like the lucky ones?

Holly: Maybe it's for the best. As Jean-Paul Sartre said, hell is spending eternity with your friends.

Lister: Yeah, 'cause all of his friends were French.

Rimmer: I remember... I was biting on a stick in the medical unit... and then there was a flash... (he unknowingly walks partly through the console) and then... I died. (looks down) Oh god, I'm dead! (backs out of the console)

Lister: Everybody's dead. There was an accident. (almost to tears) I'm the only one alive on the whole ship.

Rimmer: All five thousand people wiped out? This is terrific; I'm in charge!

Holly: Awooga! Awooga!

Rimmer: What are you doing?

Holly: Sorry, I can't remember where I put the siren.

Lister: What now?

Holly: I've just detected some kind of strange non-human life form aboard the ship. Better check it out.

[Lister carries a bazookoid down a corridor and is followed closely by Rimmer.]

Lister: What's it feel like?

Rimmer: Death?

Lister: Yeah.

Rimmer: It's like being at an Amish bachelor party.

[They enter a room with android parts scattered about. Kryten's body is hanging onto a wall below a sign with an arrow and the words `FIRE EXIT'. Kryten's disembodied head speaks from a shelf.]

Kryten: Ah, Mr. David, Mr. Rimmer, sir. Good to see you both.

Lister: Kryten! (rushes over to the head) Where's the rest of you?

Kryten: Over there. They hadn't finished my repairs before the accident.

Lister: You've been stuck here for three million years? What have you been doing?

Kryten: Well, I've been reading that Fire Exit sign over there.

[Lister and Rimmer look at the sign.]

Kryten: It's given me a lot of solace over the years.

[Holly's face appears on a monitor.]

Holly: Oh, boys... I managed to locate the alien thing. It's waiting for you in the cargo hold.

Kryten: The cargo hold. Hmm. That's where I hid the cat.

[Later, all three walk through the cargo hold. A very long shot shows just how large it is. Then the view goes to a small corner. Lister speaks from behind a crate.]

Lister: Kryten, let me go first!

[Kryten comes around the bend, wielding a rollermop.]

Kryten: No, sir! I'm going to give that beast a squeegee he'll never forget!

[Lister and Rimmer round the corner. Holly appears on Kryten's stomach monitor.]

Holly: I finally reconnected with the cargo hold sensors. It's quite tricky to get a handle on. How simple do you want it?

Rimmer: So Lister can understand it.

Holly: Oh dear. OK. The cargo hold was shielded from the radiation.

Lister: Frankenstein survived?

Holly: And her four kittens, ...

[She begins to use computer cartoon graphics for her explanation to Lister. First, a little cartoon cat lies on its back and gives birth to four more.]

Holly: ... who each produced a litter of four more kittens twice a year.

[Each of the kittens does the same birthing animation, and again for the grandchildren, and so on.]

Holly: When Frankenstein died, there were nearly two hundred thousand cats, including the odd mutation.

[A large, club-wielding cat walks up to a small defenseless cat and clubs it.]

[After the clubbing, the small cat's head falls off although the eyes and eyebrows remain hanging in mid-air.]

Holly: Eventually, they formed a civilization around the things they found in storage.

[A group of cats is on its knees and bows down before an electric can opener which is presented by a pink-robed, club-wielding priest cat.]

Holly: Anyway, just a few years ago, a bloody civil war broke out.

[A club-wielding cat whacks a detonator. A small bulge travels down a long wire and a mushroom cloud forms in the distance. Suddenly, a pile of cat bodies falls onto the perpetrator.]

Holly: The entire cat population was killed -- all except that one just around the corner.

Cat: (voice only) Yeooooooooooooooooooooooow!

[The three are startled and heard for the corner.]

Cat: Yeooooooooooooooooooooooow!

[They emerge and see a finely dressed humanoid lying on crates labeled `0 GRAVITY TOILET PAPER' and `(???)'. The being moves his paw as though he's reciting a poem.]

Cat: Yeah, that's not bad! (chuckles as he writes in a clipboard) Let me take this one from the top! Yeoooooooooooooooooooooooooow! Yeoooooooooooooooooooo-- (notices the others, stands) OOOOWWWW!!! OK OK OK OK OK OK OK... Be big! (hunches up his shoulders) Back off! I'm a lot bigger than my appearance would suggest!

Lister: (turns to his companions) This is a cat?

Kryten: He evolved from cats, sir, just as your distant ancestors once swung from trees.

Rimmer: Ancestors? His >grandparents< swung from trees.

Cat: I know what you want! You're after my string! (He produces a string, and begins pawing at it playfully, for a moment forgetting the others are there. He then produces a small aerosol spray can.) This string in >mine<. (sprays the string) This >box< is mine. (sprays the crate he's sitting on) This >air< is mine! (sprays randomly in the air, getting rather excited) This--

Lister: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait! We don't want to hurt you. We don't want your string. I saved your original ancestor. Your whole existence is due to me.

Cat: (shrugs) Thanks. (jumps off the box, laughing) Oh, such style! such grace! such, uh, flair! (extends an arm to lean against the box, but has stepped back once too far, and falls to the ground behind the box) I meant to do that!

[After an external ship view, the crew enters the command room, led by Cat, spray can in hand.]

Cat: This is mine. This is mine. (sprays the wall) This is mine. (floor) This is mine. (monitor) Oh, look at this! (rushes to a console and sprays it liberally) Oooh! It's mine!

Rimmer: Stop it! You keep repeating the same words over and over.

You're going to drive us nuts.

Cat: I don't care.

Holly: So, what do you want to do, Dave?

Lister: (sitting) Gee, I dunno. Hang out here, have a few beers, die...

Rimmer: You know, it can be a mistake to set your sights too high.

Lister: (stands, shouts) Well, what is there to do? Who gives a damn, anyway; everybody's dead!

Rimmer: Then you could be the last representative of the human race -- God help us all. You don't think that carries some responsibility?

Kryten: Sir, it shorts out my nipple nuts to say this, but Mr. Rimmer does have a point.

Lister: Oh god, I'm such a loser. (puts his heads in his hands) I mean, in a sick way, it's really kind of impressive, you know? I started out with absolutely nothing, and I couldn't hang onto it. You guys are gonna have to look somewhere else for a decision, because I obviously can't make it.

[In a corner of the room, space swirls around.]

Cat: Is that what I think it is?

Rimmer: What do you think it is?

Cat: A big whirly thing in the corner of the room.

[The swirl resolves itself into an image of the group, in different clothes. Instead of Rimmer, Kochanski is in the group.]

Future Kryten: Please don't panic. You need to listen very carefully. We have less than one minute before we have to go back.

Lister: Back where?

Future Lister: Listen, we're from your future -- don't ask any questions. We have something very important to tell you.

Lister: Chris, you're alive! I just got through sweeping you up!

Future Kochanski: Dave, please, listen to him. (looks at Future Lister admiringly) He knows what he's talking about.

Lister: He does?

Future Kryten: (to Future Lister) Please, sir -- the power drain is enormous!

Rimmer: Wait a minute. If you're from the future, where am I?

Future Lister: Oh. You're, uh, ahem, you're...out golfing.

[The future crew all smile and make golf swings.]

Rimmer: You are lying. Something happens to me. Something awful.

Future Cat: Well, I wouldn't say awful. Disgusting, maybe.

Future Kryten: Just give him the message; we're out of time!

Future Lister: OK. This is very important. Everything hangs on this: You gotta--

[The future images disappear.]

[Lister moves over and starts to fiddle with the central console.]

Rimmer: What are you doing?

Lister: You heard him. I gotta.

Holly: Got to what?

Lister: Well, I gotta... Uh, um... (stammers a bit) I gotta try to get us back home.

Rimmer: What, Earth? You're insane.

Holly: Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave... We've been accellerating away from Earth for three million years. Even at top speed, you'd never get back in your lifetime.

Lister: Yeah, but maybe there's a shortcut, you know? Maybe we could find parallel universes, or time warps...black holes...you know...space stuff... (walks over to a set of controls that occupies an entire wall) Well, this doesn't look that hard. OK, uh... (starts to flip switches) Thrust sequence, initiated... Main engines, clear... Drive power, engaged... (goes to a set of buttons) And... (sits in a chair) ...go. (presses a button)

[A muzak `Someone to Watch Over Me' comes out of the sound system.]

Lister: And go. (presses another button)

[The music stops and the lights go out.]

Lister: And go. (presses a third button)

[His seat lowers.]

Rimmer: And to think I doubted you. Well, who's up for sixty years of Yahtzee?

[Cat raises his paw.]

Lister: (stands) What the hell is wrong with this thing? (leans on the console)

[Exterior ship shot. Suddenly the drive engages at full power.]

Voices of all: Waaaaaaaaaaaagh!

Executive Producer

LINWOOD BOOMER

{The rest of this exists only in the finished version.}

[Space shot. Holly's voice speaks, then her face is superimposed over the stars and floats around.]

Holly: Dear diary. I think we've made a good start on our journey back home. We picked up some broadcast signals that might have originated from Earth. We saw this Cuban guy who kept hitting bongo drums and calling for "Lucy!" We think he was some kind of cult leader. So at least we seem to be heading in the right direction. In the meantime, Dave has learned to drive the Starbug.

[Pictures taken from the BBC series. Starbug takes off and hits the top of the bay doors when it exits.]

Holly: Rimmer had an interesting experience, trying to make a new body for himself.

[Picture from BBC series' `D.N.A.' The mutton vindaloo beast explodes. Original picture of some of the material splattering.]

Holly: Kryten met a very nice girl...

[Picture from BBC series' `Camille'. Kryten and android Camille almost kiss.]

Holly: ...although their relationship wasn't without its difficulties.

[Another picture from `Camille'. Kryten turns around as Camille turns into her natural blob state. However, this American-version Holly is on the screen, although the BBC Lister is quite obvious in view.]

Holly: Cat? Well, he just likes to play with the lights on the laser panel.

[Pictures from BBC's `White Hole'. Planets collide.]

Holly: And everywhere we go, we seem to make new friends.

[Picture of the simulant from BBC's `Justice', unlatching his gun's bayonet.

Picture from BBC's `The Last Day': Hudzen holding up Kryten by the neck.

Picture from BBC's `Justice' of silvery legs, between which in the distance can be seen Lister holding a bazookoid. Picture of the mutton vindaloo beast. Then two beeps.]

Holly: Oops, gotta run. I wish I had time to tell you everything that's happened, but you'll get the details later.

[Her face falls into the distance. End credit sequence rolls.

RED DWARF USA, "Second Pilot episode"

---------

Not so long ago,

in a Universe

not so far away,

there was a TV show,

which chronicled

the adventures of

the biggest bunch of

whacked out

space bums

ever to set foot in an

alternative dimension.

Its name was

RED DWARF

[There are various clips inserted from the BBC version of Terrorform.]

NOW

COMING SOON TO

A REALITY

NEAR YOU

REDWARF

USA


[LISTER and RIMMER sitting in their quarters, watching cartoons.]

LISTER: Rimmer. You ever see the Flintstone's?

RIMMER: Sure.

LISTER: You think Willma's sexy?

RIMMER: Willma Flintstone?

LISTER: Maybe I've been in deep space to long, but every time I see her, she drives me crazy.

RIMMER: How do you feel about Betty Rubble?

LISTER: Betty? Well, I tell ya. I would go with Betty, but I would be thinkin' of Willma.

RIMMER: Do you have any conception of how crazy you sound?

LISTER: You're right. It's nuts. She'll never leave Fred. I know it.

And so the adventure begins...


[Static, then the view looking through a camcorder looking at Lister, with the words Red Dwarf Black Box written on the top and the word Recording and a red dot on the bottom.]


LISTER: Black box update. Well, for reasons that are to stupid to go into, most of the crew was wiped out, and we wound up a drift three million years in deep space. Which is real nice. My name is Dave Lister. I used to be a chicken soup repairman. Now I'm acting captain. Uh, I know I don't look like much of captain, but when I tried on the form hugging body suit, I looked like a giant half-squeezed tube of tomato paste. I almost barfed. Is this thing on? Hello. Uh, let's see. Our crew number's five. Besides me there's, oow... Arnold Rimmer. He's dead! We had to bring him back as a hologram.

[Flashback to original pilot. LISTER as a control panel and RIMMER appears in a brilliant flash of light in the center of the room.]

[Flashes back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Actually he's the same sad weasly maggot he always was, only now he's only a projection, which means he can't touch anything except himself. So basically his sex life is unchanged.

[Back to the flashback in the control room.]

RIMMER: I can't believe it. I'm dead.

LISTER: What's it feel like?

RIMMER: Death? It's like an Amnish bachelor party.

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Then there's Holly, our super intelligent onboard computer.

[Flashback to original pilot, in a control room.]

LISTER: How could this happen, Holly?

HOLLY: One of the drive plates in the engine room was defective. (happily) It broke apart and killed everyone!

LISTER: How long have I been in stasis, Holly?

HOLLY: Well, I couldn't let you out until the radiation died down to a safe level. Really, you're gonna laugh...

LISTER: (impatient) How long?

HOLLY: Just under three million years.

LISTER: Thr--? (contemplates) My baseball cards must be worth a fortune!

[Sparks shoot out from underneath HOLLY's monitor.]

LISTER: You OK?

HOLLY: Of course I'm not OK! I'm now 2.9 million years over my rated life span! My memory's shot, all my circuits are breaking down...

[A very large flash comes from beneath her monitor. She throws her head back.]

HOLLY: (in a deeper voice) Actually, that one felt kind of good.

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: And then there's Kryten, a 4000 series service mechinoid, programmed to obey any order no matter how stupid.

[Flashback to episode Terrorform where BBC version of Lister, Rimmer and the Cat are in clear view.]

KRYTEN: There's an old android saying which I believe is peculiarly appropriate here.

[The others, unnoticed by KRYTEN, sneak up the stairs to leave.]

KRYTEN: In binary language it goes something like this: 001100111011000111100, which roughly translated means, "Don't stand around jabbering when you're in mortal danger."

[He looks around, realizes that he needs to follow his own advice, and makes off after them.]

[Back to the Black Box recording.]

LISTER: And then there's the Cat. You know the way that human beings evolved from apes, well she evolved from the common alley cat. You got nine lives, so she's not scared of anything, and uh, she's got some pretty weird ideas about relationships.

[Flashback to the CAT and LISTER walking down a corridor.]

LISTER: Hey! Would you slow down. It's okay for you. You have night vision.

CAT: Are you scared, humy?

LISTER: Scared? Rnning around this ship somewhere there is an armor plated genetic mutant who wants to impregnate all of us with its demon seed. Yah, I got butterflies.

CAT: What's the worst that could happen? He'll only kill you. So what? You die, you feel a little embarrassed, you get up, you start again.

LISTER: You got to understand something. I'm not like you. I don't have nine lives.

CAT: Okay. You stay here and suck your thumb, and I'll go and rip off its head, spit down its throat, and turn its lower intestines into ballon animals.

LISTER: You're not going out there alone, okay.

CAT: Listen humy. I do not need any survival tipsfrom a man with less backbone than a vegitable burrito. I've been taking care of myself since I was four. I've scavanged for food, I've lived on my wits, I survived.

LISTER: Wait a minute. You've lived alone since you were four? Don't you ever get lonely?

CAT: I'm a cat. I don't need anyone.

LISTER: Ohh.

CAT: You humans. You're so fixated on relationships. You have sex a couple of times with the same person and you feel you have to stay with them until... their teeth drop out.

LISTER: So you're just... You're never going to get involved with anybody, is that it?

CAT: Well, who knows? Maybe someday I'll find thee eight or nine guys who are right for me then my rambling days are over.

LISTER: Eight or nine?

CAT: That is something else I will never understand. How does a human women get by with just one man a night. One man! I mean that is not enough to get your sweat pores open.

[Back to Black Box recording.]

LISTER: Hey, we may not be the most efficiant crew in the space corp's ever seen, let me tell you something, we are going to get this rust bucket back to Earth and when we do...

RIMMER: What are you doing?

LISTER: I'm recording a distress call to send off into space.

RIMMER: Well I don't think you're recording. Look the red light's on.

LISTER: No, no, no. Red means record.

RIMMER: Nuh uh. Green means record.

LISTER: Are you sure, because I don't wanna mess this up. It's the last message capsule we have.

RIMMER: Will you trust me and press the green button and say your message over again.

LISTER: Alright.

[LISTER leans up and presses the green button and the screen goes blank. Then static and the camera turns on again.]

LISTER: Hey that was really great. Now they know exactly where to find us.

RIMMER: Yep. Now they have all the information they need. Launch the distress call.

LISTER: You really know what you're doing, don't ya? I used to think you were a really big jerk too.

The quality of these is not so good, and I'm not just talking about the picture quality... Overall these should never have happened, although as they have, here are the download files. This is not intended as a copyright infringement, but purely as a free release of media information that is currently not available to buy 'anywhere' in the world. Obviously if it could be brought, then that would be a different matter, hint hint.

RED DWARF USA, "First Pilot episode.zip" (98.6MB)

RED DWARF USA, "Second Pilot episode.zip" (60MB)

Divx